The Identity Toolbox

Everyone has qualities with which they feel comfortable and to which they are attracted. Some are attracted to creativity, others to discipline. Some understand togetherness and others independence. None of these qualities conflict with one another. In fact, they work harmoniously together. For example, without discipline creativity is distracted, unreliable. And without creativity discipline is heartless and superficial. Without independence there is no diversity in togetherness, and without togetherness independence is cold and lacking.

We each find ourselves with varying abilities and understandings of all the qualities and virtues. A person who is full of creativity and feels less able to be disciplined often comes to see her or himself as a particular type of person. And another, with plenty of discipline, but who is not used to thinking creatively comes to perceive him or herself as another type. This way of perceiving our identities immediately puts us in boxes, closing doors on our ability to grow and learn. Soon we come to think of our current cache of qualities as our identity instead of simply, what we have so far.

The death-blow comes when we begin to identify ourselves, not even by what we have, but by what we feel we don’t have. Then growth, change, and betterment have become impossible. And if we cannot grow, change, or become better, life becomes boring in a hurry.

Every good quality is present for our use. They are there, all around us, just waiting for us to take them up, embody them, and witness the loveliness that comes from their employment. This is true riches! But in order to bask in the affluence of these riches we have to see value in them. We have to take them up and use them.

It is freeing to think of these qualities as not coming from our personality. Instead, we can think of them as tools. People say things like, “I am not a patient person.” And they stick to it. Cling to it like an anchor. It is similar to a first grader saying, “I am not a person who reads.” We expect a first grader to quickly overcome that sense of him or herself. And we should expect the same of ourselves and everyone. When we think of qualities as tools we realize that they are out there and we simply need to learn how to use them. We study, practice, and get better at using them. If we insist that “I am not a patient person” we will continue to be impatient until we begin to learn how to use the tool called patience. Then, we can proudly say, “I am a patient person.”

Often necessity pushes us to see the value of a quality we with which we don’t feel comfortable. When we realize we need something we begin to see the value in it and begin to desire it. For example, if an undisciplined athlete desires to get better at her sport, she will come to see value in discipline. At some point she must make discipline her own. She must come too see it as a tool whose use will generously help her achieve her desired goal. When she does a treasure that was previously invisible becomes visible. The only thing that can keep us from using and enjoying the power and usefulness of this quality, or tool, is a belief that we are not able to use it. Then we are identifying ourselves by what we feel we don’t have. In that case we become brittle and resistant to growth.

The next step is to begin to seek out ways to embody and practice this quality. Sometimes we begin humbly. We make small inroads into the as yet unknown landscape that this quality has to offer. Sometimes there is resistance to overcome. Old thoughts yell and scream, “I am not a patient person!” and feelings of frustration bubble up angrily. But with a calm, forgiving dedication to growth each and every one of these resistances wears away. Through patient devotion to the necessities and pressing realities of our lives we have small victories. By giving voice to our desires for success we find ways to grow into them. New qualities, the riches of life, seep into our experience. Small victories become larger and larger. As we continue we begin to see that simply by the practice and cultivation of qualities we are traveling in places we have never been. We are living new aspects of life and therefore bringing out new skills and abilities in ourselves. Soon we are making the decisions of our lives based not on what we feel we lack, avoiding what we fear or detest, but on what we truly want and what we know is right. And, amazingly, we begin to see that our identity is not static. We were not born with a personality that “has” these virtues and lacks these others. The tools simply exist around us and we are elastic, using whatever and whichever quality we need.

The loosey-goosey painter begins to see more freedom when he learns to live by the schedules he has been drawing up for years and not sticking to. The “by-the-books” banker begins to see the meaning and joy that occur when she values the human side of the numbers.

It is a stereotype as cruel as any to say that people are one or the other, expressive or disciplined, idealistic or realistic, spiritual or practical. In fact, the necessity of life is that we embody all. There are boundaries to be crossed and walls to be brought down. The outcome is the unveiling of a world peopled with broad, magnificent beings that are successful and effective.

The artist who focuses, disciplines, and masters her expression, utilizing a broader spectrum of the qualities available to her, becomes a superhero. She then has abilities to truly communicate, to inspire, to uplift. Her art grows off the canvas and extends into relationships, strategies, and finances. She has the tools that allow her art to serve and be alive in society. The business manager who depends on creativity and imagination as a support to the rules, numbers, and necessities of the bottom line becomes a superhero. He is a surprise to the world, bringing to his field new ideas, more resources, and a richer understanding of success. These people are stars, inspiring and uplifting all who behold the good they are doing. They are using tools from what seem to be opposite ends of the rack. They are living broadly, amplifying their own abilities. This experience is available in one way or another to all people.